The other night I discovered that I had within me a certain love for righteousness. I was getting ready to go for a run when it hit me: first a sensation not unlike being smitten by a high-school sweetheart, then the implications of harboring such an emotion. I'd never felt that way before.
Years ago, before I converted to Orthodoxy, I had the realization that the spiritual life wasn't merely comprised of NOT doing some things, but in actually DOING other things. The idea was that an upward or forward motion was needed, movement, a drawing closer at all times to God, and not merely a moral obedience. A moral obedience is virutally impossible without this forward movement, or growth, regardless of whether we perceive this.
After leaving my Protestant faith - I'm getting to the point I promise - I disavowed, or attempted to disavow, any semblance of what I called "emotionalism" from my understanding of truth. People tampering with my emotions, basing "worship" on feelings and finely crafted ad campaigns had all taken their toll - I was unable to make sound judgments from within this hyper-emotional context.
Fast-forward to the present day: me with my struggles to harvest the virtues and destroy the passions, to grow closer to God, just like I was then, only equipped with the teachings of the Church (and the language to understand what I'm doing). Now what do I find? I find what I once might have once referred to as a carrot on a stick: this sensation within me that desires righteousness. I feel as though I am and have been such a sinner, that if I could go one day or one hour thinking on or doing something righteous I would feel great!
Granted, righteousness is far from its own end. I've always hated the reward/ effort model of motivation for good works. I've felt that love of God was its own reason, motivation and motivator.
Perhaps Orthodoxy has shown me the connection between righteousness and God, the essence of righteousness which I won't define here (I don't think I could). I know now that I can love righteousness out of my love for God, my desire to please Him.
I used to try and remind myself of the hardness called of me in order to undertake the simplest asceticism of the spiritual life: now when faced with temptation I remind myself to "love righteousness." And right now, thank God, this isn't hard to do. I pray that it stays that way!
