Funny.

I've written my share of jokes. If by my share I mean no one has ever either asked or commissioned me to do it. And those who have heard the finished product have asked me never to utter another word under the heading "A Joke I Wrote" again.

My jokes have the profound ability to make everyone who comes near them feel intensely awful about humanity and long for something as pleasant as shame or embarrassment to feel.

So in order to both not be and be cruel, here are the only two completed jokes I've ever written.

Joke #1

When I was a teenager I was trying to change the oil in my car for the first time. The only thing was: I had no funnel. My dad, seeing what was going on told me to hold on and he'd show me a trick. Emerging from the garage with a piece of paper he fashioned it into a funnel-esque shape.

"Aw Dad." I said. "That's no FUN-nel!"

(I can feel you dying.)

Joke #2

What do you call a raccoon with pincers on his front paws and six legs?

"Crab Raccoon."

Wow.

The only other one I have I've only written half of, that is, the setting and the punchline. It happens at an archeological dig in Egypt and at the end of it, a guy says:

"Well, at least we have Toots-n-common."

Of course it's a fart joke. I think the joke will actually turn out to be the whole explanation of trying to write the joke and then springing the punchline on my listeners because it seems to be funny enough on its own.

I used to have a theory of hierarchy of funny involving elements like whether or not the joke involves rhyming, is dirty, is a pun, etc. But besides being ridiculously subjective, I really don't care anymore. It was probably those jokes.